Dear Readers,

   Welcome to our Fall editions. In this issue we are featuring a couragous man's battle with Breast Cancer, new seasonal recipes, New Covid infromation, and will discuss ways of coping with Akathisia.

 

Breast Cancer Awareness

  Hello All,

    October is Breast Cancer Awareness Months. The Purple Rose would like to take this moment to remind all you Ladies ( Gents) to perform your self-exams and follow up with paps and Breast exams with your doctors. In the recovery section you will read about a man's struggle with Breast Cancer.

Best Wishes to All

Christyne Anne

New Book

Dear Readers,

   Greetings, I have exciting news for this issue! My first book "Nightmare in the Woods" under Christyne Anne will be available to purchase August 2nd via Amazon Kindle. I am working to get copies out in paperback.

   The book is a part fiction/non-fiction telling of my experience with the mysterious creature known as the Dogman. A Cryptid that appears to look somewhat like the Werewolf of myths and legends. There have been accouts of these terrifying beings dating back centuries. Still there has never been any proof of their existence. 

     The proceeds from this book have gone to the Mayer Fire Department in Mayer Arizona and St Jude Children's Hospital.  St. Judes helps families with children who have cancer fight to cure their little ones at no cost to the family,

   Mayer Fire Department Charities:

Musclar Dystrophy Association

Trauma Intervention Program

Mayer Adopt -A-Family Christimas

Arizona Hearts for Heroes

Breast Cancer Awareness

Firefighter Cancer Support network

IAFF and Arizona Burn Foundation

   All of these are wonderful ways to help those who need that help. Buying my book allows me to help these people and more. I am keeping none of the proceeds for myself. Also thanks to all those who have made this book a success . I was able thus far to give to very nice donation to each of the charities I chose to support. 

You are the Best,

 Christyne Anne

Akathisia (16 months of Terror )

Introduction;

   Akathisia was something I had never heard of before I developed this nightmare condition. I had been ill five months before it was even mention.  I was diagnosised with it.  A young paramedica put into words what I couldn't to a doctor. Still it would be another for six months before any treatment was began.

   Those sixteen months were the most hellish of my life. At 50 that is saying much! . I still have much anger left over from the complete lack of support. The mocking and labeling. The rudeness and hate filled additudes. The doctors never told me how addicting Benzo were nor the side affects of my medications. I was lied to about what they were. I didn't know I was taking a antipsychotic.

   My Story has been requested many times. I had so much anger and hate in my heart, I was not sure , I could give a decent accounting. It gives a more complete story though. The main reason I have chosen to share my story is, I recently got some emails asking for Hope and Prayer. One of those letters was a tearful plead and Thankfully I was able to reach out before they successfully committed suicide. This person is in a safe place now. We all need that safe harbor. There are times we all need someone.

Thank You,

Christyne Anne Kelly

My offending Medication was Abilify

From Labor Day 2010 -  Sometime in 2012.

 

    Kelly's Story

Akathisia (16Months of Terror)

The Beginning 

 

     The starting point of developing  Akathisia  is  suprisingly simple  for me to pinpoint Labor Day 2010.

   A friend and I had gone to my parent's home in Phoenix for a cook- out. I was little jumpy on the way down, but thought nothing of it. We lived in Cordes Lakes  Arizona which meant coming down I-17 and I used to hate freeways. I would just fall apart  from anxiety. So that what I chalked this weird feeling  as being. Anxiety. 

  Once we were at my parent's, this feeling didn't  go away at all. If anything it got worst.

   My dad had this old cardio glider , I would rest my leg on it and then the other. My legs had this odd heavy sensation but not really painful. 

   If I was standing, I would rock back and forth on my feet .Which everyone begged  me  to  stop because they were getting sea-sick.

   I felt like I had to keep moving. If I  did sit , I  swung  my legsI felt ready to jump out of my shin. The odd part is, it did not really feel like anxiety. There was no fear. Just the need to move. 

   My friend and I left early, I  felt awful for leaving early, but I need to go home. The trip home was worst because  now I  did have the anxiety  too.

   I took my medication  and a long hot shower,  drank some warm milk, trying to just ease myself. I even put on some nice relaxing rain on my Nature soundtrack player 

   It didn't  work the pain in my legs was throbbing. I tossed and turned. Got out of bed and paced the floors. I would try again to sleep. It would be nearly four days before  I did. Four days before my body gave out.

   I called my doctor after two sleeps nights a, I described those same miserable  symptoms  to her and she said and I  quote "Oh  you are just making this up, there is nothing wrong  with  you. I will not see you until January  period." 

   My doctor didn't  either  but much would happen before January.

 

Blessing,

Christyne Anne

The In Between ( Part. Two )

 

     October  to January  saw the development  of many unexpected  symptoms. These symptoms  were confusing, I could not think of anything  that could be causing  them. They kept getting  worst during  these months.

   The  continuing increase in my anxiety  level both confused and terrified me. I was accustom to my anxiety  attack disappearing as soon as I felt safe. Sometimes that meant fleeing  from a place or situation,  other times just trying to cope and breathe  through. I had taught myself all these cool tricks by this point too. The best example,  Race Walking Supermarket Shopping. The idea was to beat my personal best and not forget something on my list. 

   The anxiety I had with Akathisia  was very different.  The attacks were much longer. I had trouble breathing  during them. The physical  symptoms  were different  too. There was pain, actual pain. In my head, stomach,and along my spine. I suffered through them day after day just trying to cope.

   If you were to go back then and look at pictures of me, I always had my hand wrapped  in my hair pressing against my neck to relieve  the pressure there. It hurt so bad. I ended up breaking  two back teeth from clinching my jaw.

  My other symptoms  went unnoticed  to some extent  because  the increase in anxiety  was my main focus. These included. 

Not sleeping  for three to four days

I would then start seeing  things or hearing them

I had trouble swallowing  my food and frequently choked on it. This made me frighten to eat.

I would experience the worst muscle  spasms.  The ones in my neck hurt the most. I had to pull my head as far back as I could to ease them up.

  These are just a few. The worst was the anxiety , aggression, and the unrelenting  need to be in motion. I called and called the doctor to be told the same thing again and again. They would not see me until January. 

   Christmas  Day was the worst. I was completely  bedridden  by then.I would try to get up but my legs would just hurt so bad I had to lie back down. I cried for hours, I couldn't  sleep. I couldn't  make it all stop. This all got so much worst before it got better.

That First Ambulance Ride

My First Abulance Ride

Akathisia (16 Months of Terror )

My First Ambulance Ride

Part Three

 

   Jan 3, 2011. This was the day of my first trip for Akathisia to a hospital. I honestly thought I would died before I got there. My heart was beating so fast, my breathing was so shallow and rough. It felt like anxiety at it worst.

   My so called anxiety attacks were now 24/7. They never let up. I lived in terror conviced that for once this anxiety could possible kill me. There is so very little understanding about Akathisia and at this point I had yet to even hear that diagnosis.

   I don't remember why My best friend and Landlady called 911, I just remember being in a bad way. it had been nearly two weeks or more since I had eatten anything soild. I was getting by on baby food and milk, water and tea. Often I was too weak to get out of bed to get my own food. It didn't stop me from trying.

    My days were spend in bed, hooked up to my CPAP machine to help me breath normally, without it I could not force myself to breathe normally. I would struggle right up until  I passed out. My breathing was just to shallow with Akathisia and I would hyperventilate and pass out. I usually came to shortly after hitting the ground.

   Other symptoms were not very noticeable or easy to explain. I have a bad temper period. Anyone who knows me would say my temper is in contast to the rest of my personality. Maybe, I just know I won't go off without being provoked. I mean you really have to know how to poke the bear. This wasn't the case during this time. I lost my temper over the supidiest things. I even threw a phone smashing it to bits.

   Like I said I don't remember the exact why 911 was called. I had been writhing in pain crying all night. My thoughts were break and full of depair. I knew I needed help but would they listen.

   I had my first dealing with my local fire department within two weeks of moving to Cordes Lakes , Arizona. My boys some how managed not only to climb up our back yard tree but get nice and stuck there. I spend over an hour trying to get them down but I needed to grow seven inches (at least) or find a ladder. It would have been funny but my youngest was only one years old. Mama was not happy with the older two.

  This same fire department saved my life literally three times. The first was the most remembered. It was featured on the news and  local newspaper. The same one I used to write for.

   I had woke with this pain on my left side. It got worst as the day went one. I had been in and out of the shower to ease it many time. My sons then would just strip down and jump in. 

   I had called their dad saying I needed to go to the hospital about 1pm or so, 2 saw my sons trying to get help for their mama passed out in the shower. My youngest kept slapping my face trying to get me out of the shower, when I past out again, my two year old held my head above water level. My middle son went in search of help with his blanky as a cape. My oldest went to get his Grandparents or a phone to call for help. They found the fire station and all parties arrived about the same time. I had suffered a very large cyst bursting along my left tube.

   Jan. 3, 2011

   I did have history with this fire department. I should have felt perfectly safe and my anxiety reduce as soon as they got there, but it didn't. I was so scared and conviced something terrible was happening I was just not getting. It all just didn't seem right.

   I couldn't really explain to the paramedic what was wrong. I am pretty sure I didn't mention any of my other symptoms because they were not my main focus and the other symptoms didn't really seem related at this point.

   The Paramedic was very nice, asked if he could trade me my CPAP for his O2 (oxygen) I took it. I allowed them to help me up and get me loaded but this nagging feeling the doctors wouldn't be able to help me wouldn't go away.

    The paramedic who transported me to the hospital was a very nice young man. I didn't know it at the time but he was a new medic. He did his best to help me calm down and it took the edge off a bit. Just not enough to stop it. Still his efforts will never be forgot.

   The hospital got me right in to the Special Care area for the very sick. Again made me wonder what my friend said when she called 911. I met with the doctor and tried to explain everything but did a crappy job. I just did not know how to put it all in words at first.

   I was given a medicine that actually stopped the symptoms! I just didn't know yet it was a very addicting medication. I was just getting my Psych meds reduced. It would be awhile before the mind that was would put all the piece together and be able to remember. At this point I was on nine or ten different medications.

 

    

    

The Diagnosis and Heartbreak! (Part Four)

   I had at least five trips to the Emerency Department. Each more frighting than the next. I was at a complete lost as to what was wrong with me. Why was my anxiety at such an high 24/7 level? Was my symptoms getting worst? Was I addicted to one or more of my medications and this was what it was like? I just didn't know!

   It was what I didn't know that was hurting me in part, I concidered myself in detox. I was trying to get off the benzos on my own. I started out taking half of one dose, then skiping that does, and then doing the same to the next dose. It never occured to me that the medications might be addictive or that I might be just hurting myself. I was not trained to do what I was doing. I just didn't want to take so many meds. I felt like me entire life was centered around them.

    Way back in the begining of this nightmare of mental health , I used to cheek my medications. The doctors were at a complete lost as to how I was doing it too. They always checked my mouth. I put them in there, but just as i was finishing my water I spit the pills in the water cup and crushed it. I didn''t want this life for myself. I was so sure I could control schizophrenia once I got a hold of it. I was a fool to even think that. I just wanted so badly to be normal!

  Back to Januaray of 2011, The same young man who transported me the first time,suggested going to a different hopital he believed it was more than just the anxiety it was presenting itself to be. I had grown to trust him. I don't give it easy but he had at this point earned it fair and square.

   The ride down to the hospital in Phoenix he mentioned my symptoms had him stumped. He said he he talked it over with his wife. He didn't give my name just how much not being able to help me upset him. I felt jealouse! I mention anything about work and my spouse shuts me down. Doing this job there are just times you need to blend an ear.

   I told him something I hadn't mentioned to anyone else yet. I remembered a list of symptoms on the wall at the mental hospital Aurora But could not remember the exact condition it was warning about just that some of the symptom were the same.

   We pulled into the hospital and I could feel my fear raise again. I had become leer of the doctors since the last one just made some nasty comments. He didn't even allow a word in just what drug you want type thing. He was so rude as soon as everyones back was turned I took my IV out and left the hospital. I hitched a ride home.

   It was the most frighting 30 mintue drive of my life. Everything seemed to go by extra slow. It was real hard not to just completely lose it I also didn't know the type of person who had picked me up. It made the anxiety worst if that was even possible.

   I have to admit desite the reassurance that this hospital was better I was scared to death. The paramedic  pulled the doctor aside, I never heard what was said but rather than introduce himself , he just asked what meds I was on. I told him. He asked me to touch my finger together , my nose and then the simplest request of all, sit still for one minute. Just one. I made less than five seconds before I just had to move. After six trips to and ED I had a diagnosis of Akathisia.

   Ihad never heard of Akathisia until now. Bless this Doctor( and the Paramedic) for believing me. I finally had an illness to place with these horrible , nightmarish symptoms from Hell! There was a name for this and it was not all in my head! Hope and relief for this condition finally seemed possible after 4 long months of suffering. The doctor believed the akathisia was caused by a como of benzo withdrawals and Abilify. The antipsychtic I was taking at the the time.

    The doctor arranged for me to go to a psych hospital for treatment and to be stabized. I was so excite this was going to end soon. I arrived late at night. The next morning I was called into the main office and told I was being discharged because my insurance and Southwest Behavior decided I was just "Drug seeking" They had not even seen me yet, in fact refused too!!! I hate them today. I think they are the worst menal health provider ever. I will never use them again!

   

   The next part is all about that first appointment with Southwest. It is full of anger , hate and resentment.  It was their place to treat me and they did nothing but leave me to seek help at a hospital where I became the laughing joke and a Fire Department that hates me!

 

My First Mental Health Appointment with My Doctor (Part Five )

   There is nothing worst than having Hope snatched right from you. I had Hope my doctor at Southwest would help me with this Akathisia and be able to tell me more about it. It would be polite is saying my doctor was hostile towards me or even rude.

   This P.A lacked any decore of manners. She came on the webcam literally yelling at me."Who are you to go about demanding Benzo?" Keep in mind these people had refused to see me. They assumed I was faking, being overly dramatic. She didn't give me a chance to speak at all.reducing me to tears within seconds.

   My husband told her what the other doctor had said about having Akathisia. She laughted. "Your wife is just a good little actor." Actually I am a teribble liar, get caught every time,. This bitch of a doctor refused to listen to anything. Instead of reducing the Abilify, she increased it by another 5 mg and stopped the benzo cold turkey,

   This P.A told my husband I was an addict and not to help me again. She told him to have the lady I was living with take my phone away and the house phone. There was no help forthcoming . I could do nothing but cry. I felt so alone!

   All Hope I had went out the window. I left feeling dejected, and suicidal. These dark thoughts were already present from the start , but as my symptoms grew worst so did those dark, dark thoughts. There was no Hope , No Help . I was on my own!!!!

Hope Springs from Within (Part Six)

   It not in my nature to lie down and play dead! No, I am a fighter through and through, always have been. This would be no different. Doctors be damn!

   I spent a few days feeling sorry for myself. My thoughts were awful too. I started praying God would let me died if this was what my life was to be. FYI ,This was the Schizoeffective Disorder talking. In como with Akathisia it made my symptoms of depression and Schizoeffective worst. My illness effects how I think, I don't see things the same way many people do. Certianly not what would be considered normal by sociality. This does however also  make for a brilliant mind when my symptoms are mananged. I just didn't know that yet!

   I was getting up one morning and I stepped on my Notebook computer. My parnets brought in for me and I was so thrilled when I unwrapped it for my birthday that year. It lost sadden me greatly.

    It was in this freak accident, the idea came to me. One today I mention often, It took me four different computer shops to find a new phone and a laptop I liked. I didn't settle. Why should I do this with a doctor? She was one doctor, the is a sea of them. I am a comsumer first and foremost right?

   I called Southwest and I made an appointment to see other doctor. They complained I wanted to be seen that week. I called the insureance and worked my way up through them until my voice was heard. I never lost my cool , my temper but it was how one of those teeth got cracked.Trying to stay in control. It worked!

  This doctor also saw me over a webcam. This is bad busieness I think. This doctor wouldn't listen. She pretty offer the same insults about being a great actress . drug addict, and she refused to listen. I quitely left the room. Okay until I slammed the door.

  I did not leave until I talked face to face with a PA , the male one they had. He had me do the same things the doctor at the hospital did, made the same diagnosis and all he did was work a plan to come off the Abilfy because blood hell it was addictive. Appearly so were the SSRI's and just about all my meds and this was just adding to my illness. 

   I asked what the plan was for my  anxiety and other symptoms? "You got pretty good at going to the hospitals for that!" I was somewhat calm NOT!!!!!! I was over the top of the desk lighting fast. Keep in mind I told you I had a temper during this time that was hard to control.

   It was the utter look of fear in his eyes that stopped me. I mean I really wanted to hurt him. I didn't know this person that would do something like that, it was not me. I walked out I said something remotely nasty. "Thanks Doc." It was the way I said it spoke volumes as to how I really felt. 

   The police of course were there to greet me as I was leaving. The one officer was very nice, even when I told him  if he put those handcuff on me, he better brace for a fight. The man that hurt me used handcuffs I can't control my fear if someone tries to put me in them. This was the first time an actually Officer tried. He can't say I didn't warn him.

   I was taken to the hospital (without cuffes)

   I was taken to the ED at my local hospital. This was an interesting experience. The room was rolled up tight as a drum , anything I could harm someone or myself with removed. I wan't and i was the greatest threat at this point. Hope was fading fast and i didn't have anything left to loose. My family was gone, my job, and I had no control over this Akathisia or my life.

   There was an Cna left to watch me. She sat sliently , reading a book. I made attemps to speak with her. She didn't say anything, just ingored me. Finally I demand to know "Why she was being so rude?" This woman said, "I don't talk to crazy , drug addicts like you." 

   First not all mentaly Il people uses drugs desite some of our medication being very addictive.Second, the human touch is just as important even with mentally ill patients. We are still human beings.

   I pushed the call button and my nurse came in. She asked what I needed. 

"Can you get a babysitter that is not just a statue?" I asked in a very flat ton.

"we don't have anyone else." She told me.

    I thought about it before speaking. "Fine then put her where I can't see her, her indifference is upsetting as I tried to speak to her and she claims not to speak with crazy drug addicts." again with a flat ton.

   The nurse eyed the CNA nodded her head for a word with the Lady and she never returned. My Case Manger did.

   My Case Manger once told me she had been frighten to meet me. I understood this, I didn't even regonize this person I was becoming. There were times I was scared of me too my thought were so dark, My emotion so highten. My body phsycially as well a simple touch sent pain shooting trhough my entire body. I laid many night my body twitching and spasming with a enough force to bounce me out of bed. The pain was so bad I ripped a metal headbroad off my bed.

   As she and I talked I got off the bed and began to pace. i felt like  i was in a fish bowl with so many people watching me. I wanted to go out for a smoke. Natually that was not allowed. It was finally agreed that I would be transfer to a Psych ward agains bmy wishes. I didn't fight it but I did mention all the reason this was not going to work for anyone. Everyone made it clear i would be receiving no benzodiazephine while inside. It would only be a matter of time the anxiety would overwhem me.

   The hospital was a big dump of a place not fit for even a rat. There were no walls to the rooms, I could uses my cpap (which I need for sleep apena ), we ate sandwich twice a day , no snacks, all we were allow to drink was water and gatoraid. Water usually is my drink of choice but their tasted awful , I had to mix it with the gatoraid which i didn't like. I was hungery the entire time I was there.

   There was no outdoors porch, smoking, coffee, showers were timed and this place just sucked. The worst part was the staff. They were very insulting and abusive. The doctors was not much better. I heard mine bragging he waas a free thinker and he could tell what was best for his patient.

   I was hopeful after hearing this statement this doctor would listen to me. Nope he stated the same as everyone else. I was just a benzo addict. He denied the medications I needed too. I thank this hell hole by ripping it apart with my bare hands. I could not take anymore!

 

   The emotional side of Akathisia can take a huge toll on not only the person suffering but also those around them. My doctors kept telling my family I was just a drug seeking addict. Suffering from Akathisia is a pure hellish nightmare, suffering alone bring the worst pain of all.

   I was released from the hospital and taken to see my doctor . My Case manger picked me up. I must of had at least six smokes on the way. I had all this anger, hate, and just this feeling of complete hopelessness. I was not looking forward to meeting with the doctor after my exploration in the hospital!

   The doctor turned out to be a new one. Doctor B had been my son's doctor, she was a very good doctors. We talked for awhile. Doctor B saw the diangosis of Akathisia by one of the other doctors on my records. She began 1/3 of the treatment... benzodiazephine. Xanax 3mg daily, a rather high dose.

   I went home feeling much better. It finally looked like there was an ended to this nightmare. It lasted two months before symptoms started again. 

   I called the doctor , she wouldn't see me. I laid on the couch shaking voliently. I was pouring sweat, felt like I was coming out of my skin. Many of the same crapy symptoms. I didn't bother seeking medical help. There was nobody that was going to listen.

   Two weeks I just laid there on the couch  suffering. It was then I began to have this weird seizure like activity. I would just start shaking uncontrolably. I couldn't respond to you  but oddly I could hear you. It was like peoples's voice were distance even when they were right there.

   My roommate called Paramedics during a really nasty attack, I would just be settling down and my body would start all over again. I thought this was unusually but have since found I was not alone with this odd symptom.

   I was taken to the same hospital that had Dx the Akathisia. I received medical attention  from the same doctor and was admitted in. I had a host of  neurology test. The test revealed very little.

   What was shown clearly to be a problem was the constanced  high pluse damaged my heart and worsten my over all heart condition. I was placed on my old beta blocker. I woke up the next morning feeling like myself.

   Over the next few months I contiued to heal. 16 months had past by now. 16 of the longest months of my life. I had to have the beta blocker upped in dose a few times but i began to feel much better.

 

   Coming through the storm of Akathisia was amazing. It didn't happen over night and there were bumps in the road but my life got so much better than it every has been. The hardest part of knocking the label of both drug addict and mentally ill. The later didn't seem to bother me as much. Mental illness is a part of my everyday life.

   The label of drug addict stayed with me until the day I moved away from Mayer Az. I became ill in March of 2013 with a high fever that seemed to have no cause. I had pointed out to my doctor, two Ed doctors and one from a clinic an unsually looking pimple about the size of  a large marble. They all blew me off based on past history. I was admitted in May that mass was the size of a softball and 3 inches deep under my skin. It was a serious MRSA infection. I was found with 104.7 tempture and unrespondive.

    Later that same yearduring CNA testing I suddenly was hit with the most intense pain i had ever felt. It was primaryly on my right side. All my symptoms mirroed my Mothers exactly when she developed appendictis. It took five trips to the Ed to get the right Dx and right into the OR.

   Despite this, I went back to college and got my EMT certifiation. I liked college so much I am about to get my degree. I have a career. I rebuild my relationship with my family. I became a stronger , happier person. My life may not be perfect but it is my life,