Reaching Out that First Step.

   In my poems Elizabeth heard me. She counter every dark thought I had with postive ones. I had felt so alone and frankly lost. I used to be this happy , easy going kid. My friends loved to hang with me. Now none come around. It hurts!

  It so odd someone I never met cared more. She told me, "There are people who care and just don't know what to say." She said "Maybe they are waiting for you to take the first step." I thought about it. Deep inside me she casted this doubt about who was really the hold out me or those around me.

  My school counslor had given me some numbers. I had been debating wondering if I really need help. It was late/early moring whichever. I couldn't slow my mind down to sleep. It was just going and going . I could not shut off for sleep. 

  I finally picked up my phone to scan instagram. Just because i was bored. I noticed an link Elizabeth sent. I followed it. It was a place for better understanding of mental illnesses and other things but I suddenly made my mind up to do it. I sent this to Eliz asked her to share and then made that first phone call. It time!!



   Taking that first step is often times the hardest thing you will ever do. There is so much emostion running high at that time. I remember it well. Ella doing well. She checked in to say the place she was at is working nicely out for her. She feeling much better. This is why my website is here. I want to help other , share and to let people know we are more than our illness. So much more. Ella is a very talent writer, I love her peoms even through they are dark and sad. This is a part of life. It knowing when it to much of your life that is the key. Bless ya Sweetpea be praying for you.


What Anxiety?!

My Story on Claiming My Life Back From Anxiety Recovery is not just about recovering from drugs. There are many things in life that we may struggle towards recovery with. A medical condition, a broken relationship, loss of a love one, and so on. Life is about all kinds f struggles and getting past them. We as humans are resilience begins. Sometimes it just a question of how to begin and finding Hope.

There was a time when I suffered from anxiety so bad, leaving my house was the biggest nightmare. Akathisia showed me what a true nightmare anxiety could be. Those of you that read my site faithfully know that I used to take benzodiazepines to control my anxiety. After Akathisia had ran its course with me , I detoxed off the drugs I was taking. They never worked so why take them! This left me sick for months until a medication was given to me for the seizures that the withdrawals were giving me. This left me back with just my normal anxiety and finding a way to control it.

I began an Anxiety Log. Oddly, a good therapist might suggest the same today as more are moving away from benzos. This log heled me see when I was having the most anxiety. An example: Food shopping, okay shopping in general! Shopping bothered me I thought just because of the crowds. I adjusted when I shopped for less crowed times. It only helped a bit. It was the noise level, funny thing in an empty store some people feel the need to talk louder. It took a while but finally I tried putting my earphones in and just listening to peaceful music. It didn’t work as well as I had hoped either, but then I listened to music I jam too. What a difference, I was getting lost in my favorite songs. I did brighten someone’s day getting caught unaware I was dancing or humming happily, but they were just amused so I was not embarrassed at all.

Shopping today is easy. I truly enjoy the experience again. There were many things I had to relearn to do but each challenge was met with “I can do this , let me just think of the how?” the rest was trial and error. Today I have a wonderful career , am a full time student in college, and I love going and trying new adventures. Sometimes I feel anxiety but I am not afraid of it no more. I wanted to live in the moment not through my window looking out. Kelly

Just Be You!!!

   It surprises people when they hear from my family what a shy child I was. I had teachers that complained well into high school about the fact I never talked to anyone. I would not share my ideas with the class dispite being the top student most of the time.

   I was the target of bullying because I was quite and I was much smaller than my fellow classmates. It didn't bother me like it would most. I always found something to enjoy, some new adventure ajust waiting to be had. I was just very accepting of the situation as it was.

   I did wonder what everyone found so offense about me. I remember this one time in high school sitting on the bathroom sink trying to see what they saw. It got frusating as all I saw was me.

   I do have a speech problem though. I have trouble sometimes just getting the little words out. It used to make me cry,  but as I got older and worked with therapiest, I realized I can control it if I don't become to excited or nervous.

   One day at the bus stop, I noticed a young nurse crying. I finally asked if she was okay. My concren for her well being over rode my fears of people. We chated for quiet sometime. It made her feel better. Which made me happy to have asked.

   I began to devote my time at the base hospital as a Candy Striper as we were called back then. Fitting I looked like a tiny candy cane in my uniform. I met so many wonder people there patient and staff alike. Met the first guy I ever went out with too.

   I realized that sometimes you just have to be who your are and not what people want you to be later in life. I have been much happier as a result. People who have known for years comment. "When were you going to stop listening to the people  who bring you down? Now this is who I knew you were all along"

   I didn't get that until recently. I had thought it was an odd statment. I have been told my whole life I was not good enough but I held true to myself and proved them all wrong. Once more I proved myself capable.